


Lend you my shoulder

by its_2am_sleep



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series), Thomas Sanders
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Light Angst, Small fic, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-22
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2020-07-11 12:28:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19928083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/its_2am_sleep/pseuds/its_2am_sleep
Summary: Patton is touch starved and refuses to tell the others about this.Like a phone with 5% battery left, he's barely holding on.The others obviously notice the changes in Patton.In their own methods, they try to help him out one by one.But it is not as easy as they thought it would be.





	1. Battery that needs charging

Normally, food gives us energy.  
It is what keeps us running throughout the day.  
This was no longer the case for Patton any more. Something was wrong, Very wrong.

The moment Patton realised something was off was on a rather ordinary day with everyone sitting down for dinner. It was Patton's turn to cook, so he prepared a large pot of his speciality: macaroni and cheese with extra cheese.  
There was more cheese than the pasta itself.

" Next time, please reconsider the amount of cheese placed in this Patton. This is ridiculous"  
Logan told Patton, as he was hesitating to take the first spoon of it. 

"Whaaat! Logan, I thought you'll be quite FONDUE of it"

"Yes Pat, I think your macaroni is quite GRATE"  
Roman quickly joined in. 

"Aww Roman, aren't you a CHEDDAR one"

"ugh, ENOUGH!" Logan shouted, but the two only responded with giggles and smug like a smile. By the time Logan spent stuck with these two, he should have gotten used to the puns and dad jokes, but he wasn't.

The loud noises of laughter and conversations filled the room as the sides continued eating. Everyone was enjoying each others company and the food. As can be seen, it was quite an ordinary day. 

After the meal, as usual, it was Virgil who got up from the seat first.  
"Thanks for the meal pops"  
He told Patton.  
Unlike the dad themed nickname he called him, Virgil ruffled Patton's hair messily. Virgil's way of expressing "thank you". It became quite common for Virgil to make these sort of gestures towards Patton. 

But, it wasn't usual for Patton this time.

Virgil's hand was warm and comforting. Pat already knew that, but this time the touch felt pleasant to a point of sending a small shiver down his back. 

It was weird. When the hand left his head, Patton could still feel a small amount of the warmth on the spot, almost like a glow. He felts something being filled up inside him at that moment. An emptiness he didn't know he had become satisfied, like a battery being charged. 

His next thought?  
He needed more.

"Oh no" Patton thought to himself.  
"This cannot be good"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *edited*  
> Because there were few details and other stuff I wanted to add, I edited the chapter.  
> It is my first attempt at writing a fic!  
> Hope you enjoy it!


	2. The swirls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patton is trying to deal with his touch starved state alone.  
> He knows it's not a good idea, but what can he do.

The first thing Patton did was to search the symptoms online.  
"Touch Starvation, when one has the strong desired to be touched."  
That was the closest thing that he could find fit.  
Patton thought that "strong desire" isn't really the best way to describe his current conditions, it was more like he "needed" physical contact. Like touch was the method he can charge himself.  
But it did not matter all the way. Different ways to describe his emptiness and the cravings will not make anything better.  
Which then came to the conclusion that searching up his symptoms online will also not make anything better.

"Thomas"  
He thought to himself.  
It must be something to do with Thomas. He was sure of it.  
The different emotions Thomas was going through directly effected Patton. After all, he is the core of Thomas' feeling, whether its good or bad.

Patton just sat on the couch, for a while, making indistinguishable groans.  
The only method he could think of to express his deep, DEEP frustration. If he was either Roman or Virgil, he most definitely would have sworn by now.

"You okay Patton?"  
A passing-by Virgil asked.

"Better than ever! hahaha"

"....?"

That, of course, was a complete lie.

Now, the most simple solution would be to tell others. He has in total of three friends, which is definitely enough to satisfy his craving. Everyone will be understanding, Patton knows this.  
"But will they?" Patton thought to himself.  
"...but what if they don't? Like, what if I'm like this forever, and they find me burdensome"  
"What if they find me needy, what if they find me pathetic.."  
"What if..."  
When the questions started to form in his mind, there was no way to stop it. One question leading to another, inviting more and more negative thoughts. The multiple "what ifs" quickly invaded Patton's entire thoughts. Like an endless swirl, the toxic cycle continued on and on and on, until he reached a conclusion not to tell the others.

'An obligatory physical touch'  
Even the sound those words seems constraining, harmful. Patton didn't want that for others, especially for the person in from of him right now.

"Are you sure, you're okay there Pat?"  
Virgil asked again. This time with a little more concern on his face.

"Haha, yes don't worry kiddo! I'll let you know if I'm not"

"...Promise?"

"Promise"

Both sides gave each other a faint smile in response.  
Patton tried to hide the guilt he felt with that faint smile. He was clearly lying, and that did not feel good. 

"Hey, Virge?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you mind a little high five before you leave?"

"haha sure"

Virgil smiled bigger than the last one, came by and gave a small tap on Patton's hand. Once again, his hand was so warm.  
Patton wanted to grab on to Virgil's hands, clasp his fingers with his. just hold his hands until his worries go away.  
He really wanted to, but he knew that's not possible.  
Everybody has their own comfort zones thick or thin, and Virgil's was thick. He knows the effort Virgil had made to open up, which could be clearly seen through the small friendly gestures he made. Compared to the past, it was a massive improvement. However, that does not mean the boundaries are fully gone.  
Patton knew these boundaries well. He respected it. Even felt proud of him for how far he came to be compared to the past.  
Which is why Virgil was the one he could never tell his conditions to. No way.

Virgil waves a little goodbye and made his way back to his room.  
All Patton could do was to smile and wave back, as he watched him disappear into the hallway.

For a long while, Patton made another groan in despair, and just sat blankly thinking of what to do from now on.

*******

It has been a few weeks after the discovery of his touch starvation.  
It would be a lie to say that Patton was doing fine. He was definitely not okay.  
The hollowed, unfilled feeling settled deep inside him, and he was wanting physical contacts with the others more than ever.  
To describe his state, it was like having 5% of battery left on the phone. It shows a thin red line instead of a bar now. There have been more than one occasions where Patton wanted to just confess to others of his current situation, knowing so well that they will understand, but the constant swirls of "what ifs" never ceased to go away.  
The thoughts of others finding him pathetic kept him from that option. Patton was not okay, but he was handling his situation quite well. Through small brief interactions with others, he managed to hold up. The phone keeps running even if it remains in a 5% charge, right? His personality made it easy to ask for small, friendly physical contacts like high fives, and an occasional greeting hugs. It was sure not enough, but enough to keep going. Better than nothing, he thought.

However, the reason problem started when Patton discovered that his touched starve state has started to effects his emotional state as well.  
The absence of the warmth, the hollowness that constantly asked to be filled. That feeling consumed Patton.  
He was starting to feel like a husk. An empty container.

The change in moods must have been noticeable to others as well. Just enough to be suspicious, but not worried, as the most common question he's been asked these couple of weeks was 'Are you okay?'.

"Are you okay, Pat?"  
Asked once again, by Roman this time. Patton was sitting on the couch again with both his feet up.

"Why does everyone ask me these days? I'm really fine!"

"And you've been only saying 'I'm fine' to us"

"Cuz, I really am fine?"  
Patton answered, with the biggest smile and a shrug he could manage to make.

"I dunno, Pat. You've been your usual you, but there are lots of times you seem...distant"

"Aww alright Roman, I'll try to stay closer to you from now"  
Patton once again replied. He leaned closer to Roman with a smirk.

"But really, I'm just a little tired. That's all. I promise to tell you guys if I'm really not okay"

Roman smiled back in response and left.

After checking that Roman has fully left him, Patton curled up in a ball on the couch, resting his head on his legs. He lied again. How many times would he have to lie to others?   
More thoughts, negative thoughts started to emerge in his mind. It was the swirls again.  
"It will be fine"  
He told himself, in efforts to get out of the swirl.  
"It will go away soon"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- edited just a little -  
> The next chapter will be uploaded next week!


End file.
